In Which My Fictional Brother Answers Questions on Yahoo! Answers

Why don’t people THINK before they speak?

My friends with benefits came over yesterday and he told me he was at a party and afterwards he walked by this massage place and a woman asked if he wanted a happy ending massage, he said sure but the price was really high so he left. And he tells me “i was like screw that, I can get some free action from someone who’s not as hot”
Like.. Are you freaking kidding me!? Does he not realize he insulted me!?

Okay, so, basically this guy is a tool bag. You don’t need to be stooping to this sort of level. Though I can relate to the desire for a friends with benefits sort of situation. It’s far less messy with, you know, emotions and things like that. But my predilections are hardly the point here.

Fact is that a lot of time people do think before they speak; only you don’t think they are. Yes, there are occasions where people let things slip that they didn’t mean to. Such as the time my ex-girlfriend, Rice, asked me if a dress made her look fat and I was distracted with a video game and said yes. Accidents happen and then decent people apologize for them. She didn’t look fat, by the way, and I’m fairly sure she knew it. But since this wasn’t a distracted, blurted, several word comment I’d tend to prescribe a harder truth here. He probably did think before he spoke. He probably was trying to reiterate, without coming right out with it, that you and he are not an item and thus he’s allowed to seek other forms of entertainment. Such as… happy ending massage parlors. I really don’t think the loss would be that great, honestly. Or, and I wouldn’t be terribly optimistic here though it bears mentioning, he could have been gauging your reaction. But really, not the way to go about it, I’d say. Hence the fact of tool bagery.


If you have a dream about someone are you in love?

i had a dream about this boy i like am i in love?

I had a dream last night about my eighth grade math teacher. She was about sixty-five years old and had a wart right near her chin that had these coarse black hairs growing out of it. Really, they were sort of mesmerizing. Sometimes I would count three of them but then two days later there would be two, then four, it was fascinating; the oscillating number of hairs on that pointy chin. Gosh, I haven’t thought about Mrs. Detmeyer for years. I don’t think I’m in love with her.


Why people in North America are so nosy about their neighbors’ front lawn?

Why people in North America are so nosy about their neighbors’ front lawn?

Alan, this is something I’ve often wondered myself. The fact that cities and neighbors have any sort of say over someone’s property is something I consider a little bit absurd. Not to mention the nosiness that comes with actually living in a neighborhood. That being said, I’m fairly sure my mother could be considered the Gladys Kravitz of East Overlook. I find her peering out of windows, between blinds, and even asking my sister and me what was going on when she was not home, assuming, of course, that we are as interested as her. Telling her we are not does not seem to have any effect.

However, there are a few things that I understand about it. Property values for one thing. If someone else’s lawn looks like shit then the property values of the whole neighborhood go down. Fair? No. True? Sadly. Another reason is just simply because who wants to look at a crappy yard. This is actually becoming a rather serious answer so I’ll just leave it at that.


I drugged a girl so I could take her out on a date?

I treated her with respect– do you think she will go out with me without my special mixture?

I would say that this is a problem, yes, and that no, she will probably not go out with you undrugged. I might even venture to say that she might not go out with you because you drugged her. I mean, you drugged her. I don’t know what went on exactly in this date but it sounds downright creepy. I’m getting mental pictures of serial killers dressing up women like dolls in their basement. I’m also getting a picture of something else; it’s called rape and despite what Republicans seem to think it’s legitimately not cool. You say you treated her with respect. I don’t know what that means. Usually treating people with respect involves not drugging them and forcing them to do things beyond what they would choose for themselves. Sure, I suppose we’ve all been tempted to think about what we would do if that crush was just amiable to anything and everything in our whim, but most people do not act on it. I don’t know why I am even quantifying this. Your question is so delightfully creepy that I had to answer it but so over the top that I’m not quite sure I can imagine its real. Either way, though, anyone who would think of this is probably a little sick in the head. Don’t drug girls, just don’t. In fact, don’t drug anyone. Except yourself, that’s your prerogative. But at least if you did you were stupid enough to broadcast it over the internet, probably not even bothering to mask your IP address, so the authorities can look you up. I’m sure those gross old dudes on To Catch A Predator thought they were being respectful by showing up to a child’s home with condoms and beer too.


I need HELP. ADVICE. Cheating and a baby is involved. Help!?

So, I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. About a month ago, we were having some problems. He met this girl o FB, and had sex with her about two days later…… He had sex with her like another 3 times after that. Well, now the girl claims to be pregnant. I love this man with all of my heart, but if she is really pregnant and it’s his baby, I’m not sure if I can stay with him. What makes matters worse is that I went to school with this girl…. Plus, she just had a baby last year with another man. I’ve been emotionally sick for weeks. I have never dealt with anything like this is my life. I’ve argued with the girl, met up with the girl and everything. I just need some realistic advice on what to do in the situation. It is really bothering me.

First off, what? This example right here is why guys cheat. I can understand a little give and take, every relationship is a little bit different, but basically this guy cheated on you repeatedly, knocked someone up, and you’re questioning how you can stay in this relationship. What exactly do you think will happen? Is this going to be a threesome? Are you all going to get a house were you play happy families with your boyfriend, his baby mama, and a child that’s not your own? Is your life goal to prove that first line in Anna Karenina right? You’re not sure you can stay in the relationship if the baby is his? No shit! How about thinking enough of yourself to not stay in a relationship where the guy trolls facebook for women to bang. Because you know that’s what he was doing, right? Right?! Normal people don’t go on facebook to meet people. Normal people go on facebook to stay in some way connected to people they already know. And post pictures of their pets. And tell people about their most fantastic gastric experiences. Okay there are a lot of reasons why people go on facebook, but those who start looking around at women extracurricular are usually not all that worthy of your time. The fact that you are still around after finding out that he does this, met a girl, and then had sex with her four times is honestly not less than astonishing. But, clearly you have some sort of mental attachment to this fellow beyond the reasonable so a question I have for you is this: Why on earth would you ask this question on Yahoo! Answers? The people who will be reading this have no attachment to you, don’t know your relationship, and therefore will only tell you one thing; DUMP HIS LAME ASS. You seem determined to avoid this, for reasons that I can not fathom. But, honestly, however many times you chat with his baby mama, however many times he assures you it will not happen again, she will dislike you and he will continue to cheat. And why? Because you let him. You let him by putting up with it. I can understand your thinking, I can understand his urge to sow his wild oats, but I, and probably he, can not understand why you’d be so understanding about it.


GUYS–Would it bother you if a girl you liked had?

one breats that was lopsided and much smaller than the other?
It looks disturbing to me,I’ve tried pumps and stretch guides but it just gets worse looking.

Is it a big deal or do I just keep wearing my shirt during sex?

Short answer? No. You know who cares very deeply about minor disfuctions to the appearance of a woman? Women. Men have very limited sight. Sometimes that sight doesn’t even extend to a woman’s face, as in the case of my best friend Oliver Marbles and his ten year crush on a girl I childishly refered to as Cynthia the Beak. It certainly does not extend to these tiny things that you pick out for yourself.

And breasts? Really? I promise, once you get to the point where your top is coming off, believe me they definitely wont notice before that, there is no guy on the planet that’s going to stop and assess the situation and think it would not be a good idea to continue.

You know who is the queen of this? My sister. She’s always on about something new. Her nailbeds, her squinty eyes, her weight, her clothes, her teeth. Honestly, it’s everything, and it gets very tiresome. But, let me tell you a story. I had this girlfriend by the name of Lenore. She was competely obsessed with the fact that she had, what she called, short eyelashes. They were too short and too light and unless she was wearing gobs of makeup they were practically invisible. Or so she said. I honestly never noticed. She claimed it was because she always wore mascara. But then she’d sleep over and leave these black smudges all over my pillows while she sat in the corner in the morning with her back to me muttering obsessively about her little eyelashes. It got severely annoying. Mainly because she hardly spoke about anything else. I didn’t care about her eyelashes one bit, what I cared about was that she seemed to care so much. Guys like pretty girls, yes, of course, but we don’t like to think that you think about it too much. So you have imperfections, so does everybody and while we might obsess about them too we would never, NEVER, say anything out loud and we don’t care all that much about yours. Take a cue.


About Lindsay

I have a C'est Moi page, you should probably just read that.
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