Effy Stonem.

Series One Profile

Posted on 20/12/2008

They made me go and talk to this counsellor woman who kept saying ‘But why Elizabeth, why do you think you withheld speech?’. I used to just say ‘I dunno’ til it was time to go home.

But I did know. Sort of.

Okay. So. Paris Hilton isn’t an It Girl. Clara Bow was an It Girl. She was one of the biggest silent film stars ever. The Brooklyn Bonfire. I think we’re really similar. She’s a brunette. I’m a brunette. Her Dad was mentally impaired. My Dad is mentally impaired. She was really good at poker. I’m really good at poker. She married a cowboy. I don’t think I’m getting married but if I did it would probably be to a cowboy.

Anyway, basically she was the best film star, like, ever.

But then the talkies started, and the films weren’t silent any more. And it would be fine, except when Clara actually had to speak, she just froze. She couldn’t stop looking at the microphones pushed at her face. She got mike fright. She retired at the age of 26 and never made another film ever again.

But even though Clara Bow couldn’t deal with talking in public, and Paris Hilton could probably talk for fucking hours about fucking anything, I reckon if Clara Bow met Paris Hilton, she’d punch her lights out.

But I don’t think the counsellor woman would have really understood that.

Series Three Profile

AGE: 16

MOTTO: Everybody dances to their own boom boom.

ABOUT ME: I’m Effy. It’s a shit name but it’s short for Elizabeth which is even worse. I live with my Mum and Dad. My brother used to live here too but now he’s gone. On the day he left he gave me his duvet cover, half a bottle of Peach Schnapps, and his bedroom. Well, he doesn’t need it any more does he? So now it’s my kingdom. I drank the Schnapps and gave the duvet to Oxfam.

These are the four most interesting things about me:

1) I can pick stuff up with my toes. Like, not just socks and crap like that but big things. Ketchup bottles. Ashtrays. Ipods. It’s a less useful skill than you’d think.

2) My Dad was so angry when I got expelled from the shit school I used to go to that he literally started farting in rage. Gross.

3) I’m distantly related to a 17th century French aristocrat called Cecile DeLacroix. She was beheaded during the French Revolution. Her eyes carried on blinking for 14 seconds after her head was severed from her neck and her lover had her teeth sewn into his pillow.

4) My favourite smell is petrol.

If you want to know any more send a stamped addressed envelope and ten pounds to my address


T.V SHOWS: TV rots your brain and makes you infertile. True story.

FILM STARS: I don’t have favourite film stars. Everyone gets old and shit in the end. My favourite film character is the Elephant Man. He’s hot.

DREAM DATE: Refer to last question.


“Sometimes I think I was born backwards. You know, come out my mum the wrong way. I hear words go past me backwards. The people I should love, I hate. And the people I hate… “

“Love, love, love… what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. “


About Lindsay

I have a C'est Moi page, you should probably just read that.
This entry was posted in I'm Her! and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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