So the song “Escape” by Rupert Holmes. When K, J, and I were on our trip to Key West I insigated a steady diet of piña coladas. I love them, and I’m pretty sure K and J like them too. So, like any natural person we had “Escape” in our heads pretty much the entire time. Though K insisted upon changing the word piña to penis, thus making the coladas less tasty. And I think this trip was probably the first time I really started thinking about the lyrics to this song. And, am I the only one who’s slightly disturbed? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a pretty great song. One of those songs that pretty much everyone likes no matter what sort of music they’re into. Still, “Escape” is a song with a story, the way most good songs are. And it’s here where the issue lies. Has anyone else noticed how completely dysfunctional this relationship is?
In case you haven’t memorized the lyrics to songs about piña coladas here’s the run down. Dude is lying in bed next to his sleeping girlfriend with whom things have gotten sort of stale. She’s pretty and everything but they’ve fallen into a rut and Dude decides to start checking out the personal ads, where he sees this: “If you like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain. If you’re not into yoga. If you have half a brain. If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape. I’m the lady you’ve looked for. Write to me and escape”. So he decides he has to reply cause this girl is obviously a lot of fun. He suggests they meet at O’Malleys the next day at noon. The next day at twelve in walks the writer of the personal ad; his girlfriend. They have a good laugh over it, glad they’ve now discovered they both like piña coladas, and presumably continue to have a happy life together.
It’s a quaint little story, nothing groundbreaking, just sort of cute. A nice story. Mostly. Cause, really the fact that they have both discovered that the other likes piña coladas doesn’t change the fundamental point that there is obviously not communication in this relationship. Sure the chasm (which they were both hoping to solve by cheating on each other) has been lessened for the time being; but what happens when they discover that they’re sick of piña coladas, and that getting caught in the rain often leads to very unsexy runny noses and head colds, and that having sex in the sand probably leads to sand in very uncomfortable places. Then she’ll probably put out an add about how she wants someone who enjoys fox hunting on the English country side while eating Beef Wellington in cowboy boots. In the end it’s actually sort of depressing. Although it does make a very catchy tune.
Also, Caprica was cancelled. This is not surprising in the least. Somehow they took a plot that was sort of interesting and turned it into thirteen episodes of people arguing about religion. In other words; horrendously boring. But I think the cancelling of this show, despite the boring, is almost completely down to the really really horrible opening credits. I couldn’t find a video where embedding wasn’t disabled, but you can view its CGIed cheesiness here.
It’s really just… bad. I remember watching the first episode and staring slack jawed in complete awe that someone had created this mess on, what appears to be, their Mac Book. And then someone saw it, thought it was good, and put it on the beginning of the episodes. Maybe they were all drunk. Or completely stoned. Let me give a run down for the people who will inevitably not click that link, but first I need to give a very brief plot description. Living on the planet colony Caprica, we have two families, the Graystones and the Adamas. In the first episode the daughters of both families are killed in a terrorist plot by a religious organization called Soldiers of the One who believe in a one true god rather than the popular many. Zoe was some sort of computer genius who made an avatar of herself that lives exclusively in the virtual world and is completely autonomous. In his grief her dad tries to download the avatar into a robot project that he’s been working on, and then creates a version of the Adama daughter, Tamara. It works. So Zoe’s living in this robot and Tamara’s stuck in the V World not knowing what the fuck is going on. Meanwhile, Zoe was a part of the STO (Soldiers of the One) under the tutelage of Clarice Willow, the headmistress of her school, also a priestess of Athena. Or something. So then there’s the opening titles, which clearly try and tell the story with no words, horrible graphics, and really annoying music.
There’s several scenes; In the first Daniel Graystone is, I guess, working in his laboratory. A fact which is conveyed by having his turn very slowly with his hands on his hips looking very important. The robot (Cylon) walks by, crosses a pole, turns into Zoe, and then turns back when she crosses another one. We cut to a graveyard scene where Joseph Adama falls to his knees in a graveyard over a generic grave marked “Adama”. His son, William, and brother are standing behind him. As the camera sweeps past the brother puts his hand on his hip, pushing his jacket aside to reveal an ominous looking knife. This, I imagine, is meant to show that the Adamas are grieving, but also clearly gangsters. The camera pans back to a statue with its hand held out, which immediately turns into Clarice Willow passing the symbol of the STO to Zoe’s best friend, Lacy Rand. Lacy is clearly picking up where Zoe left off. And we need one last scene to kick it off. Daniel Graystone and his wife Amanda are standing randomly on a roof while he leads her, both of them extraordinarily stiff looking, towards the edge of the roof. Zoe is standing in between them but they walk on by and she looks at the camera while her eyes sort of turn red and do the Cylon thing that we’re supposed to know from Battlestar Galactica.
I get what they were trying to do. They were trying to tell the story of the show in a very concise and imaginative manner, but it really just ends up looking cheap and ridiculous. In a very, very bad way.
Finally, just cause I finally got the photos that really look alike, here we have Hannah Murray and Emily Meade again. Which I spoke about before here. Now tell me I’m crazy.