If You’re Searching for That… You’ve Come to the Right Place -or- Ten Hilarious Searches That Have Brought You To Me

As anyone with a blog could surmise; there are a lot of random things that bring people to my blog everyday. People Google things and WordPress is kindly enough to report them back to me. By far my most popular is “Wizards of Waverly Place”. Which I spoke about one time, and it was not particularly favorable. After that is “Glee”, “Saturn”, “Aurora Borealis” and “Highgate Cemetery”. But those are the ones I get over and over again, the boring ones, if you may. This post is about the top ten ridiculous ones, in no particular order, which I have clearly taken as requests, or as the topic may be; requests for advice.

Older Swedish Actors Photos

This is pretty self explanatory, I’d think. Someone wants some photos of older Swedish actors. It apparently doesn’t matter which ones. I’ve decided to interpret this as meaning Swedish actors from times of yore and am using my extensive knowledge of Ingmar Berman movies to comply.

Max von Sydow

Bibi Andersson

Erland Josephson

Harriet Andersson

I’d include Liv Ullman, but technically she’s Norwegian, so there.

Dragon Shark wtf

Wtf indeed! I didn’t have the slightest idea of what a dragon shark could possibly be so I had to do the reasonable thing and Google it myself. All it came back with was a video from a website called Strange Nature and a bunch of deviantART pictures. In other words I haven’t the slightest idea what a dragon shark could possibly be. I don’t know if this is real and rare enough that it would return nothing on Google besides one video and a bunch of cartoonists making pictures or if it should best be left for indie looking animation in Wes Anderson movies. Though, of course, I might be nearly completely content with this world if there was such thing as a dragon shark. Because… well, I mean, doesn’t it sound awesome? In my head it’s some sort of sleek looking shark with a wavy sort of tail, a mane, and those whiskers from Chinese dragons. Basically, like this;

Only, you know, a shark. It makes way more sense than Sharktopus.

Fantastic Alien

Okay, yeah, a lot of aliens are proably fantastic. Of course, there’s several ways to interperate the adjective. There’s the literal way meaning just what it says “fantastical”, of or about fantasy. That makes sense, really. I mean, it’s not as if we have any sort of evidence to whether or not there’s extraterrestrial life in the universe. I think there probably is . I think it would be arrogant to imagine that humans are the only sort of life out there, sentient or no. I also thnk there’s a good chance we’ll never know about it. That’s besides the point. The word fantastic also works colloquially, meaning, well… something is really sort of cool (which can also be used in two senses, though, thinking about it is there anything that doesn’t?). In that case may I suggest The Doctor? As far as fantastic goes he’s pretty much got it covered; adventure, time travel, over exuberance. And the alien bit, of course. He’s had eleven incarnations but here’s the one who really kind of liked the word fantastic.

Scientists Making Me Pissed

Now this one really makes sense. Scientists make me pissed all the time. I mean, really, I was pretty pissed when I learned about the elements. And centripetal force? What the fuck? Don’t even get me started on the fact that they insist upon disproving this:

Stupid scientists. Making me pissed. In all sincerity though; we’ll ignore the fact that we all know I adore scientists and I’ll give a few reasons why scientists suck a little. Number one; Pluto. Pluto is now a dwarf planet instead of a full fledged member of the solar system. I sort of doubt that this escaped most people’s knowledge. There were protests and everything. It’s sad, and we can take it personally, but the sad fact remains that Pluto was never a planet to begin with. We can mourn its demotion and be pissed all we like, but of course that doesn’t change facts. Number two; triceratops doesn’t exist. Like brontosaurus before it there is no such thing as the triceratops; just the juvenile version of the torosaurus. Seriously, they totally just took about one forth of the kids I knew’s favorite dinosaur and said it never existed. Boo hiss.

I mean, clearly, what there is to be pissed about here are not the facts, it’s the damn scientists who feel the need to point them out. Ugh.

Movies to Watch While Eating Chicken Wing

You, sir, whoever you are, who is desperately searching the internet for movies to watch while you eat your singular chicken wing, have come to the right place. I’ll have everyone know that I am a connoisseur of both films and the chicken wing. While technically one can watch just about anything while eating a chicken wing we must look at the facts to come up with a reasonable solution. The chicken wing is not a classy food item. There’s sauce involved, Medievally eating from the bone, sometimes there’s even dipping sauces. Often times little bits of chicken get stuck between the teeth. It’s safe to suggest not eating a chicken wing on a date. There’s just no graceful way to go about it. This is not an Oscar winning drama sort of food. For those, which are often rather melodramatic, I’d suggest some slightly cold Chinese on the couch, directly from the container. Maybe Thai. But only if it’s from Noodles in the Pot. And quirky indie productions are sandwich movies. But the chicken wing, oh the chicken wing, I think is best left for sort of action/comedy movies. Maybe comic book movies. I’m thinking more cheese like X Men or Iron Man type, but we could go with Watchmen or Kick Ass. Definitely Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, but that’s not on DVD yet, you may have to wait a couple months for that and your chicken wing will definitely get cold.

Pillars of Creation Tattoo

There’s a website for stuff like this. It’s called Ugliest Tattoos. The sad part is I pretty much have to imagine that there’s someone out there that has this tattoo. Just in case you missed my previous posting where I had a picture of this lovely little nebula here’s another:

It’s pretty. It’s really pretty. Actually it looks vaguely like some of the sunsets in Key West. However, it does not really come across, to me, as something that would make a very lovely tattoo. If there’s anything I’ve learned for perusing Ugliest Tattoos it’s that things with a bunch of colors and detail more often than not turn out looking like shit. Also… there’s definitely more concise looking nebulae to choose from, if you must. But, I’d like to think that anyone who likes photos taken from the Hubble Space telescope would have better taste.

Robin Hood Big Tits

I honestly… no. I have no idea. Cause basically, Robin Hood is a man. I suppose he could be a tubby version with large man boobs, but it seems a little unrealistic that he’d be able to run around the forest being an outlaw if he was more than average size. Also, having done archery, it may hinder things to have man boob in the way. Plus, I’ve never seen a fat Robin Hood, that portrayal just doesn’t happen. So then what are we talking, a female Robin Hood. The name goes both ways, I suppose it could happen. And there was that Keira Knightley movie from the beginning of her career where she plays Robin Hood’s daughter who inexplicably has all the same skills as her father.

But then again, no one ever accused Keira Knightley of having big tits. In the end, I figure there’s only one version of Robin Hood where there’s any sort of sexiness.

Halloween Sexy Robot Costume

There are a lot of sexy Halloween costumes. I mean, Halloween pretty much specializes in girls dressing slutty. But there are some costumes that simply don’t bring sexy to mind. Robots are one of them. When I imagine a robot costume it generally rings to mind a couple of boxes piled on top of each other along with some tubing for the legs or something. Granted, I don’t specialize in sexy Halloween costumes. Last year I was a dinosaur, of the budget variety, and involved a sweat suit and a tail. I was beating them away with sticks, clearly. So, if I were to be a robot I would definitely go the boxy route. Thought, well, let’s see, if people can manage to make a sexy version of the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz then I guess they (the all powerful “they” here) can make pretty much anything sexy. So, may I suggest Maria from Metropolis?

I suppose we can consider her sexy in a sort of stoically, sort of creepy, steampunk way. And, I suppose, strictly speaking, Maria’s not the robot. The robot just sort of takes her form and does dastardly things with it. But that’s a bit of a mouthful so we’ll just stick with “Maria”.

Pygmy Comics

By far the least interesting of my many ridiculous search topics, this is one I had to Google as well, cause… what? I couldn’t really imagine there was a huge influx of pygmy comics out there, but whatever floats your boat. All I came up with was some sort of thing called Pocket God that is apparently a game that can be played on the iPhone, iPad, iTouch and whatever other moronic, shoddily made item that Apple can churn out. Basically, according to the Wikipedia entry, Pocket God is a game where the player takes the role of an omnipotent deity that controls an island filled with pygmies. They look like this:

Still, I feel the need to point out that this is not a comic. It’s a game. But whatever, we’ll just let that slide.

Jalapeño Cartoon

I’m pretty sure this speaks for itself.

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About Lindsay

I have a C'est Moi page, you should probably just read that.
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4 Responses to If You’re Searching for That… You’ve Come to the Right Place -or- Ten Hilarious Searches That Have Brought You To Me

  1. Lauren says:

    Phenomenal post! I laughed out loud several times.

    I’m sad we missed you in Cleveland! I hope/ know Key West was fantastic.

    ~L

    • ladylinzi says:

      Why thank you Kono. I do try. Sometimes harder than others.

      And I was sorry to miss you too, but yes, Key West was fabulous. In fact, if you ever visit there be sure to look for me dressed as a pirate on the side of the road at night wearing an eye patch and singing sea shanties for change. All bent out of shape due to my Ramen induced scurvy, of course.

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  3. What a nice post. I really love reading these types or articles. I can?t wait to see what others have to say.

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