We Should Get Sterling Cooper in Here. I Think They Can Do Better.

As many of you good readers may know; I work in a craft supply store. I also don’t like it much, but that’s besides the point. Except… it’s not really besides the point because in that fact lies the essential other fact that it’s not usually the job that’s getting you through the day. No matter how fantastic the job there are always going to be days that are worse than others and what is going to help you get through are the people and the little things you can do to amuse yourself. Another fact that leads to explaining the post is the fact that I work at six o’clock in the morning. That’s about when I would go to sleep if it were left up to me. But, alas, as every must I’ve rearranged my sleeping schedule and now work when I would do pretty much anything to stay in bed. So things tend to get funny. In that slap happy that’s-really-not-all-that-funny sort of way. So it’s lucky for me that I work really early at a job I hate at a craft supply store, because there’s really a lot to laugh at. Namely; the product packaging. Some of them are so appallingly bad that there’s really not much to say about it other than posting a picture on the internet for public mocking. But since you may not want to join me, I’ll just mock do it myself.

First off let’s talk about the name of this product, Rainy Day Fun For Boys. Seriously? Apparently this seemingly androgynous kit to make key chains, ziggy aliens, faux leather bracelets, and weird bead skateboards is only for boys. No girls allowed! Though, that brings me to something else; who the hell would want to spend their time making a miniature skateboard out of pony beads? What possible use for a miniature skateboard? A miniature skateboard with no wheels. Maybe it’s one of those hover boards from Back to the Future II. Actually I could have used one of those in my youth; my Barbies would have loved it. But, the main point here is the photo. Could those two kids possibly look more bored? As Coworker C said; this picture brings to mind one of those rainy days at your grandparent’s house when they turn out all the lights so their no fear of, sort of, scientifically unsound electrocution. They probably went out to some craft supply store where they picked up a few random craft packages, convinced they were doing something exciting but really the kids end up staring blankly at the shoddily put together item wishing they were pretty much anywhere but where they are right then. Simply put; they look bored as shit. And out of all the photos that were probably taken in this shoot this is the one they went with. I wonder what the others looked like. I also wonder if any of these actually sell.

There’s a lot of Stone Step Kits sold at my place of employment. Most of them are completely normal close up photos of the actual step, finished, so that the shopper can see what it is they’re buying. I’m not entirely sure why they decided to go with a kid on this particular one and why for the love of god, they went with this kid. Maybe he’s the son of one of the executives or something, that’s honestly the only thing I can think of, because this kid is plain creepy looking. His smile is just short of an un-makeuped Joker. And where is he looking? My guess is at his mother just behind the camera, but I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that it was at an even smaller child that he was planning on catching, deep frying, and serving up at the Kraft Services buffet. Or maybe he’s about to dart a reptilian tongue from between those thin lips and strangle someone with it. Whatever it may be you can’t deny that this child is unfortunate looking. I really hope he wasn’t planning out his long career as a model. Though, who knows, maybe he’ll grow out of it.

I don’t quilt, so I honestly don’t know exactly what it is that quilters are looking for in their instructors. I suppose there are a lot of old ladies who’d be amuse by the outfits of Eleanor Burns, but everyone else… well, alright, I confess I’m amused by the outfits of Eleanor Burns. Not being a quilter I spent twenty-seven blissful years not having any idea who Eleanor Burns was but from the sheer volume of books she publishes I gather that she must be at least somewhat popular. You can tell she’s one of those older ladies who thinks it’s just the bee’s knees to dress up ridiculously; and let me tell you that at six o’clock in the morning (when I arrive at work) I am glad she does. I need a laugh and Ms Burns always provides. Still; ridiculous. There’s the magician costume, of course, which is pretty funny cause she’s dressed in a magician’s costume. However, a girl who has no problem looking like this

in public can’t really have much to say about someone where a magician costume. It’s all a bit tongue and cheek, I presume, anyway. But, that purple boa is completely absurd. Here is the scene as it plays out in my head: Everyone’s standing around for the Lover’s Knot Quilt Book. Eleanor’s got on her plain white K-Mart t-shirt and printed skirt. They’re all geared up to go when the lady in question decides she needs a little oomph. So she runs up to her neighboring drag queen and asks to borrow her purple feathered boa, complete with flecks of silver. Just to spice things up. The first time I saw this book cover I was nearly in tears because her fake smile is just so spectacularly hilarious to my sleep deprived self, and when I pulled the book out to look at the rest of it I nearly lapsed into a coma. I think my words were “It just got so much worse!” Still, the woman has a strip quilt book called Still Stripping After All These Years, I don’t think she’d be offended by my laughter. Top hats off to you, Eleanor.

So, I guess there’s this artist in Great Britain who paints cats. And then makes them into puzzles. I’m a cat person, I enjoy them, I think they’re cute. I’m not even opposed to people painting them. Most of the puzzles in this line, which we carry, are pretty normal. A settling like an old curiosity shop with a nice Persian in the window. You know scenes where you wouldn’t be so surprised to see cats. But then there’s Luciano. I’m not sure if this was commissioned or an original idea, but either way I’m a little concerned over who wanted a Mafioso cat. Why is he at the table? With pizza! And wine! I could understand it if it was a table spread, pizza and wine included, and a little tabby jumped up and was sniffing things out. I could even imagine him dipping a little paw into the wine glass and tentatively licking it off before he realized it wasn’t milk and was probably gross. But that’s not Luciano’s game. Oh no, he’s seated at that table. He has pulled up a chair, has his paws in front of him and is waiting to be served. I bet he’s pissed there’s no anchovies. Maybe he’ll send it back to the kitchen of, the appropriately named, Il Gattos and demand a refund in full. But, I suppose you never know; Pyewacket goes crazy over olives.

I posted this on Twitter once because I find this packaging to be such a fine line between disturbing and hysterical. I suppose these kids are meant to look cool and fun loving, but they really manage to look completely ridiculous. The only excuse they could possibly have for these looks is that they are German. And even then it’s iffy. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on with that little girl’s hair but I would think she should probably wait until she’s at least fifteen before she puts pink hair extensions in, and she’s clearly no older than twelve. In fact, both kids are dressed far older than they are, complete with hair gel in Junior’s spikey do. The shades and faux leather jacket are classy though. That’s a look that kid should rock daily. The funniest part about this photo, to me, is the fact that it’s so obviously staged. You just know these two models were picked for whatever reasons they were picked, and then they arrived on the day of the shoot to find their wardrobes to be the very definition of embarrassing. It’s like when your grandmother tries to buy you trending clothes and fails just so utterly miserably, but you don’t have the heart not to wear that puffy painted sweat shirt that she thought she saw some other kids wearing. In 1985. Still, I doubt these kids are even old enough to know they look absurd, they probably just think they look older. It may be a rude awakening when they grow. For now… oh, god, would I love to see these kids walking down the street like this someday.

The breast enhancers and shoulder pads section is pretty much my favorite part of the store for a good laugh. There’s only one model who is even the least bit suited for her job as a breast enhancer model. The rest of them are either country beauty queen looking or just plain… plain. I have a game, which I repeat far too often, where I go through the models and say what’s wrong with them. Is it bitchy? Yes. Is it hypocritical? Probably. But these women are models, and they really really shouldn’t be. These two are my favorite. They’re not ugly by any means. They’re the sort of women that you’d see walking down the street wearing sneakers with their work suits because it’s too hard to walk in heels for extended periods of time. They’re normal women. They’re not the type you expect to be faced with when showing how glamorous and awesome you’ll look if you use our product! Though I’m fairly sure the last person who looked for shoulder pads in order to glamorize and awesomize their clothes isn’t wearing shoulder pads anymore because they’re wearing bedazzled track suits. But anyway; first there’s the Filipino looking brunette. You can’t quite deny that her face takes up the majority of the photo. If I saw this on it’s own, unattached to any packaging, I would assume it was one of those filler photos they stick in frames so that you can see how lovely the frame will be with your photo in it. The kind you only half register before discarding and never seeing again. Her shoulders are not remotely pronounced, her hair hangs there boring and un-styled, her lips take up half her face with that garish color of red, and that outfit has to go. But then I guess I shouldn’t be complaining about outfits, because then there is blondie. What the hell? I suppose, if one was to advertise what their product is, and their product is shoulder pads, this outfit might be perfect. Still, I can’t imagine it sells many. Maybe this picture was taken in 1991, that might explain some things, because that jacket is horrendous, the scarf horrible, and the hair heinous. Jesus, those bangs. I’m actually embarrassed for her. Whoever these models are, I wish them all the luck in the world, because they need it. I can’t imagine they get much work.


About Lindsay

I have a C'est Moi page, you should probably just read that.
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One Response to We Should Get Sterling Cooper in Here. I Think They Can Do Better.

  1. Sarah says:

    I laughed really hard at this post.

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