I Would Never Take This Ad Out in the Paper.

I really love personal ads. I think I’ve mentioned this before. But I can’t expect everyone who meanders onto my little blog to go searching through all the back posts to find out those little nuggets of information. So, reiteration; I love personal ads. I don’t answer them or post them or anything like that but I do love to read them. Sometimes they’re so specific, sometimes they’re ridiculously vague. There are so many different outlets for meeting people. I watched and episode of this truly awful show on the CW last year about Greek gods trying to match people up in contemporary LA. Not… quite sure why. But anyway, Aphrodite made some comment about how in the old days you knew maybe three single men, one was too old, one was too young, and the third you married. But now it’s all so convoluted. Everyone knows too many people, and if that weren’t confusing enough, then there’s the internet. I assume Personals would make it into this column. But I can’t help but think… if you only knew one eligible man then isn’t that just settling?

Like… okay, on 30 Rock, I like the depiction of Liz Lemon’s love life because it’s the perfect mix of pathetic “I play Monopoly with myself”-ness and “I’ll continue playing Monopoly with myself until I meet astronaut Mike Dexter”. There aren’t that many female characters out there like this. Actually, I’m getting so sick of them obsessing over finding a man that it’s literally started making me sick to my stomach. But that’s not the point; I’m talking about 30 Rock here. So, Liz recently met Wesley (Snipes, seriously that’s the character’s last name) played by the awesomeness that is Michael Sheen. They met at the dentist while they were drugged up on pain medication and entered each other in their phones as ‘Future Husband’ and ‘Future Wife’, but when they met sober they can’t really stand each other. Seriously, they have nothing in common. But, of course, they keep meeting so they keep giving it more chances until Wesley decides they’re “settling soulmates” (meaning of course that they should settle for each other) and tries to convince Liz to just marry him and get it over with. Liz’s response is about on par with mine. Which is… well, it’s really grim. Who the heck wants to settle? I’ve settled for a lot in my life; where I went to school, where I’m living, where I work, but this is something I am completely unwilling to even consider settling on. And that’s probably because I don’t have a problem being alone. Yeah, it’s a bit lonely sometimes, but I have friends and settling seems like it would be even more lonely in the long run.

Still, my addiction to Personals always makes me wonder what it would be like if I wrote one. Of course, I wouldn’t, I’m not that desperate, and I don’t have the money for the half page add I would have to take out in order to specify what I’m looking for. But this is my blog and the words are free. So why not give it a whirl.

Boyfriend Qualifications

– Should be smart. Schooling isn’t an absolute necessity but it helps. This is completely non-negotiable, I need to be able to carry on proper conversations. It’s better if said intelligence relates to areas where I am less confident (read: maths and sciences), but should also have a keen appreciation of books and films. Grammar needs to be impeccable. Or else never write me notes. I’m talking proper punctuation, capitalization, and quotation. Must enjoy talking (read: educating me) about said intelligent things.

– Must recommend no less than two things per month that you believe I’d enjoy. This can be music, movies, television shows, books, etc. Whether or not I do enjoy is arbitrary, although I would rather you know me well enough to know what I like.

– Must have an appreciation and knowledge of no less than five of these items:

a) Soccer

b) Doctor Who or otherwise slightly cheesy Sci-Fi shows. Preferably Doctor Who.

c) Zombies

d) Robots

e) Pirates

f) Ninjas and Samurais

g) Explosions

h) Monster movies

i) Educational/Informative television programs (eg. Anything on Discovery, National Geographic, or History)


– Must have an appreciation of classic Star Wars. Meaning, of course, that the original trilogy is far superior in storytelling and character development, and even though the special effects are subpar to Episodes One through Three, the shoddy storytelling and flat dialogue in the newer episodes renders them far below the original.

– Must spend no more than 30% of your time thinking, writing, texting, or tweeting about sports.

– Must enjoy watching terrible movies and laughing about them with me.

– Must be willing to make fun of people.

– Preferably have similar music tastes. This isn’t as hard as it may seem. I like a lot of crappy pop music but I have plenty of other stuff on my iPod. Basically, there is nothing worse than going on a long car ride and either 1) sitting in silence or 2) having to ‘put up’ with each other’s music. If similar music tastes is an impossibility then he must be willing to share equal parts music on car trips, long or short. I find that the ‘whoever drives picks the music’ method works fine so long as there are equal parts driving. Which brings me to…

– Must let me drive. I like driving. A lot. Sometimes I drive for fun. I don’t mind being a passenger, just not ALL the time. There will be none of this ‘the man always drives’ bullshit.

– Should agree that the institution of marriage is completely pointless but think you might do it someday anyway.

– Doesn’t really want a baby.

– Must not be an avid cuddler. I can appreciate the need for a good cuddle every once in awhile, but who wants to sleep like that every night? Spooning may or may not be included, this needs testing with the individual.

– Should absolutely not be an Apple person. iPhone users need not apply.

– Must not be opposed to me having personal space. I can’t be around you twenty-four seven, I just can’t.

– Must have a sense of humor that’s similar to mine. Ie. Dry and sarcastic.

– Should be a cat person, if not a cat owner than certainly cat tolerant, and put up with the nauseating fact that I can’t seem to stop baby talking at mine.

– Absolutely must be able and willing to teach me things.

– Glasses, ties, and sweater vests are a plus.

– Must be interested in travel.

– Must be, at least a little, in tune with your inner child.

– MUST be, at least a little, ridiculous.

– Must be reasonable and logical. Meaning you do not put much stock in horoscopes, astrology, names, Tarot, birthdates, religion, etc.

– Shouldn’t have any religious tendencies and probably shouldn’t believe in god.

– Must be upfront and honest with me. I’m a big girl with a keen understanding of how the world works, you’re not going to break me. What’s more, I will always do my utmost to understand where you’re coming from and approach problems as non-emotionally as possible. That being said; I am not a robot.

There. Now that wasn’t SO bad now was it? Yes, yes, I know I’m picky to the point of ridiculousness. And I know that when the ‘Right One’ comes along it doesn’t always matter whether or not he meets the qualifications. But at the same times there is clearly a sort of science to love. It’s pretty irrational but there’s irrational numbers, right? Thinking the same way and being on the same wavelength is the majority of it all. Like I’ve said before; epic romances don’t end happy cause they were never meant to. Being with someone is a delicate combination of what you feel and what you think, and they are equally as important. You can feel epic love but it burns out, and you can think the same as someone and feel nothing. What you need is both. And when that happens I’ve watched it be amazing.


About Lindsay

I have a C'est Moi page, you should probably just read that.
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One Response to I Would Never Take This Ad Out in the Paper.

  1. Pingback: NotQuiteThereYet.com | Eating Fast Food Alone in the Car.

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