I have always had a bit of a problem with celebrity crushes. I don’t really get them that often. To be honest it’s a bit of a pain in the ass because there’s nothing there to distract me from the boring day to day of regular life. There are actors I like. But there are more actress I like. Nathan Fillion for example, love him, think he’s hilarious, would watch anything he was in… do not have a crush on him. I know there was a time in my life when I had them. When I played MASH with my best friend and stuck in the names of actors and singers where my husbands would be listed. It wasn’t, actually, like I had much choice in the matter. It wasn’t as if my younger days involved me trying to beat them away with a stick. Well, that’s not entirely true actually, in kindergarten and first grade the boys of my class seemed to think it was amusing to chase me around the playground until they finally caught me, at which point they would pretend to tie me up, and then I would inevitably escape and the whole thing would start over again. I didn’t think it at the time but I might’ve been a hot commodity then. I was totally the babe of my class. But all of that is besides the point (and what is the point of a blog if you can’t go a little Joycean every once in awhile?). Celebrity crushes are the meat and potatoes of any young girl’s life. They are fantasy material for when we get older. They are there to be pretty much what we all need them to be, amplifications of regular people.
And I am not saying I don’t get celebrity crushes, I am not immune (hello Simon Pegg) but I can’t help noticing that I don’t get them the way other people do. Even when I was younger it wasn’t the qualities I perceived in the celebrity, but rather the people they were when they were on the screen in front of me. Yes, that’s right. I don’t get crushes on celebrities I get crushes on their characters. This is probably much less healthy. Still… true.
And I can’t help but decide that it’s down to one fact. I can not like someone when I do not know their personality. I realized this, actually, at a fairly young age when someone was asking me if I thought a guy in a magazine was attractive. Do I think the shirtless, muscle rippling guy in the jeans ad is attractive? I have no idea, I do not know him. I know that that wasn’t the point. I shouldn’t need to know if the male model is funny in order to lust after his abs (note: I would never lust after anyone’s abs, I’ll be honest here I think muscles are sort of gross) but I do. This is also my problem with the wolf pack in New Moon, though not my only problem with New Moon.
It probably has something to do with the qualities I generally look for as well. A friend my mine asked me at the Camp Reunion I went to over the summer what I looked for. Like, if I had a row of guys standing in front of me to choose from what qualifications would be the ones to send some packing. She, for example, wanted them to have a good paycheck. All I have to say to this is that generally, when trying to decide who I might find oh-so-crushworthy, look for the smartest person in the room and you’ll probably be right. This is a little bit unconscious. As in, I don’t actively say “Oh are you smart? Great, get in line” but I am ruthlessly picky. And I shot down a guy in Munich because he didn’t speak German. But really, he had lived in Germany for two years and was a tour guide and still I spoke more German than he did. Plus… he wanted me to sleep with him in a park with gay homeless men and/or the tourist office and he looked like Dax Shepard. I think I was totally in the right there.
So who would be my cup of tea? Well let’s have a look at my TV Boyfriends.
John Mitchell – Being Human
Mitchell has the distinction of being the only vampire on this list. It doesn’t seem like that should be too difficult but… well, in these times. But unlike most vampire tales Mitchell isn’t particularly broody. Oh sure, he has his angsty moments, but don’t we all? Being Human is a British show that’s, apparently, being Americanized by the SyFy Channel. It’s about a vampire and werewolf who work at a Bristol Hospital. They decide in the pilot episode to make a go of living a, relatively, normal human life and move into a flat that happens to be haunted by the ghost of a former tenant. So, what makes Mitchell TV Boyfriend material? He stands up for what he believes in, for one, and doesn’t bend to peer pressure (which might be slightly more difficult when your peers are a bunch of pissed off vampires). He can be in charge but he’d really rather not. He takes care of his ghostly roommate in a pretty protective brotherly way. He has an inordinate obsession with The Real Hustle. Most importantly though, really, is that he’s pretty damned funny. And that might be a rare quality in the fanged set.
Daniel Faraday – Lost
I have a sort of weak spot for scientists. Not entirely sure why this is, but me being me I have analyzed it to death and come up with the fact that I am so inescapably bad at maths and science that I am generally fascinated with those who aren’t. I’ve studied a lot of things, so when people know things that I don’t I go a little melty. Daniel Faraday was a physicist who parachuted onto the island in the beginning of season four. He was only around for two seasons out of six, but his death at the end of one of my favorite episodes was so good that I almost wasn’t sad to see him go. I said almost, because, well, he’s on this list. The good; he was pretty much out eyes and ears, explaining things as the island jumped through time. Yeah, apparently he knows enough to explain how an island would jump through time (like a record skipping on a player, apparently). He can play the piano, really well, and count how many beats the metronome ticked while he was doing it. Plus, he wore a tie on a desert island (though, to be fair, how desert was it really?) for pretty much a whole season. And a half. The bad; he might be a little crazy. And when I say might… I mean he is. Pretty much full on. But then again, who isn’t? Especially smart people, they never have any idea what the hell is going on. Plus, the stuff he says that makes people consider him crazy really ends up making a lot of sense in the context of the show. Which… is crazy context. Is any of this actually making any sense? Well, maybe I’ve made my point.
Desmond Hume – Lost
Oh, Desmond, when we met you you were a somewhat hysterical, hatch dwelling, gun toting, vaccine shooting dude convinced you were saving the world. Then again who the hell knows, this is Lost we’re talking about. I don’t expect my answers until May 23rd. I am sure it’s no coincidence that my favorite episode ever involved my two Lost boyfriends and time travel, but that’s besides the point. I liked Desmond at first for two reasons; he was a new character and he was Scottish. But he’s also one of those characters who disappears and reappears again at the whim of the writers. And every time he shows up again I manage a spastically loud ‘Woo!’. So why does he illicit this response? Well, let’s see. A large part of it is probably the Odyssey effect. Desmond got lost on the island while sailing around the world to prove himself to his girlfriend, aptly named Penelope, and her father. His story since then has pretty much been about getting back to her. That level of devotion probably has an effect on a lot of girls, unfailing faith and loyalty are pretty sexy. Then there was that whole thing where he could see the future, which was pretty sweet, though… whatever happened to that? Eh, oh well it’s Lost.
Chuck Bartowski – Chuck
I watch a lot of more serious shows, but Chuck is just fun. A much needed dose of almost mindless comedy. Sometimes I think that I relate to Chuck more than anything. He’s smart, smarter than me I would imagine, but never got his college degree and works in a dead-end job where… well he’s appreciated a lot more than I am. And, okay, he didn’t graduate because he was framed for cheating by his friend who didn’t want him recruited to the CIA and his dead-end job is for the fictional version of the Geek Squad (I’m obsessed with their cars). But still. Chuck Bartowski wasn’t living up to his potential. But then he got a government secret computer downloaded into his brain and now he’s a full fledged spy. And, I mean, spies are cool. They’re just cool. This is why there have been twenty-two movies about James Bond. But, just because he can’t be too cool and still be one of my TV Boyfriends, he’s a spy with a Tron poster in his bedroom. Currently, on the show, he’s supposed to go to Rome and assume a new cover, I am not one hundred percent convinced this will actually happen (I mean… it’s not), but if it does I’m really going to miss his Buy More uniform. And his pocket protector, cause really… that’s just adorable.
Connor Temple – Primeval
Primeval is another British show. The plot’s… maybe a little ridiculous; anomalies open in the world randomly that are basically portals in time. Creatures, including dinosaurs (!), come through said portals and wreak havoc on the citizens of Earth. Our heroes make sure everything stays where it’s meant to be. Connor is… well, he’s sort of the brains behind the operation. Not the leader to be sure, but it was his research that lead to the discovery of the anomalies in the first place. I need to take a moment to appreciate his outfits, though. I think that if most people tried to wear his clothes they’d manage to look like massive tools, but somehow Connor has the ineptitude to get away with it. He’s bumbling, he has a habit of acting without thinking and thus winding up messing things up (unsurprisingly as we are dealing with dinosaurs running around the modern world), and he tries to play the hero when he really doesn’t have the upper hand. Well, at least his heart is in the right place. He’s much better at the science stuff. He can identify all of said dinosaurs on sight and/or description and he managed to build a detector for when the anomalies would show up. Short story, he’s smart, which in case you hadn’t realized is definitely one of my qualifications.
Ned – Pushing Daisies
We never learned Ned’s last name, though the narrator of Pushing Daises pretty much just calls him ‘The Piemaker’. I could live with a piemaker. There really isn’t much about this candy colored show that I didn’t love. There also wasn’t much about it that caused me to believe it would actually stay on the air very long despite its acclaim and obvious amazingness. I have, of course, come to terms with the fact that most of the amazing things in this world are not long lived. Pushing Daises was about a lot of things but mainly it was about bring the dead back to life. For one minute. Creator Bryan Fuller is no stranger to characters with unusual abilities after Dead Like Me and Wonderfalls (not to mention Heroes was so much better before he left and got slightly better when he returned) so here’s the skinny on Ned; he can touch a dead thing and bring it back to life for one minute, at the end of which he either a) touches them again and they return to death or b) doesn’t touch them, they remain alive, someone else has to die in place, and then he can never ever touch them again or else they go back to dead permanently. It’s not as confusing as it sounds, really. Ned is also one of only two of my TV Boyfriends who are in committed relationships that I wouldn’t want to see them out of. His relationship with childhood sweetheart Charlotte Charles, who he touched back to life and can never touch again, is just pretty much adorable and his shyness and adoration is probably a huge part of his appeal. But, there’s also the fact that he’s just incredibly sweet. And uses his abilities to catch criminals. And makes pies. I’d really like to try his three plum.
The Tenth Doctor – Doctor Who
Well, let’s see. I once made an entire picspam about how I adore the Tenth Doctor. Mostly because I relish in my geekiness and enjoy making people roll their eyes by over emphasizing my likes, but just the same I spent hours on it. I could have said that the Doctor in general is my TV Boyfriend but I am not one hundred percent sure that’s accurate. I have never felt the need to get it on with Tom Baker. Actually… those words are sort of skeeving me out. And, quite honestly, it’s not his looks that get me. Not gonna lie I do think he’s rather attractive, but when I first laid eyes on him I thought he was nothing short of goofy looking. But that’s just the point then, isn’t it? This character is sort of epic. He travels through time and space, usually in the company of nubile, young, female companions, and helps people, rights wrongs, and fixes mistakes. Doctor Who is deliciously cheesy in the sort of way that’s the perfect bridge between family entertainment, lost childhood, and adult sensibility. Yeah, so the science makes no sense like… half the time. But this is alien science! Did I forget to mention that? The Doctor is an alien from a planet called Gallifrey, home to the (rather pompously named) Time Lords. And when they are dying they can regenerate themselves into a new person and start over again, same abilities, same memories, new face and personality. The Doctor’s done this ten times so far. So what makes Ten better than all the rest? Absolutely nothing. It’s a matter of opinion I would imagine, but I love Ten for many reasons. On the top of that list is his spasticity. He is ridiculous. I mean literally all over the place both in thought process, interrupting himself all the time, and physically. He jumps, and hops, and… I don’t know runs a lot. Plus he’s a total and utter geek, with the brainy specs and headlamps, and little magnifiers that he clips onto the brainy specs. That’s just fashionably though, of course. The thing about the Doctor is that he uses science (however flawed it may be) to fix things. He does not use magic, he does not use brute strength, and he does not use weapons. He uses his head, and that’s probably a good message to be sending to the children of the world. He’s saved planets, he’s saved history, he’s saved his friends (and made new friends in the process), and yet he’s still very excitable over the little things, like teacakes with edible ball bearings. He’s, perhaps sadly, an awful lot like me, except the science bits, that’s why he gets to be my boyfriend. And, most importantly; the TARDIS… best space ship ever.