In Which LadyLinzi Gets Annoyed By Slasher Film Reboots.

There are several things I feel I need to add about the Sexy Jason/Miss Voorhees costume. My first reaction is, of course, an open mouthed, sort of gaping pronouncement of ‘I have nothing to say about this’. Which should be true, but this is still me so really my brain is probably thinking way too many things about it. And while they don’t need saying I am going to say them anyway, because that’s what I do.

One, I understand the fact that Jason wears a hockey mask. We all know this. It’s probably his defining piece of wardrobe. I mean, does anyone pay attention to whatever else he’s wearing? Still, it’s not like he’s a rogue hockey player who ran away from an away game to wreck havoc on random town number twelve. In fact he only seemingly has the mask in the first place because the jokester in Part 3 decided to go scuba diving in a dark lake while wearing a hockey mask. So why exactly is ‘Miss Voorhees’ wearing a tight mini-skirt, low cut hockey outfit? I suppose it’s cause it’s hard to sex up overalls and lumberjack-esque button downs.

And, two, why, I mean WHY, would anyone want a sexy female version of any sort of serial killer outfit? I’m not above it, I love slasher films, and Friday the 13th is (for absolutely no real rhyme or reason) my favorite franchise. I have my Jason mask in the basement, I have my machete sitting there across the room, I don’t entirely know what this says about me but there you have it. But having lame paraphernalia around the house doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten the fundamentals here: There is absolutely nothing about Jason Voorhees that’s remotely sexy. He’s a massively deformed, mentally handicapped recluse to lives in the forest and doesn’t seem to do much other than kill people who happen to visit his camp, or… well, Manhattan…, at a particular time of year. I often wondered what would happen if I visited Crystal Lake on Tuesday the 6th. That being said, he is smashing with a harpoon.

On another Jason related note I feel the need to talk about remakes. [Since I am not a bitch I shall warn, spoilers within.] I am not going to rant and rave about how they need to come up with an original horror film, cause there’s enough of that. And I am not even talking about the ones translated from other languages. For every Ringu or Ju on that gets remade into English there are probably two straight English remakes. And, let’s face it, there really aren’t enough Americans who will tolerate subtitles. [Note to Americans who wont tolerate subtitles: Just quit reading my blog now, I don’t need your patronage!] We all know that originals are always better. I am talking about the Prom Nights, and the My Bloody Valentines, and, of course, the Friday the 13ths.

I mean, we clearly needed a reboot, right? We couldn’t just have another Jason movie tacked onto the back of an already whopping eleven sequels (including Freddy vs. Jason). And when exactly did Jason become clever?! He’s not supposed to set traps, he’s not supposed to take prisoners, and he’s sure as hell not supposed to have organized some sort of network of underground mines to stalk around with said prisoners. Jason’s a reactionary type of guy. He doesn’t like people in his space, and he doesn’t like them doing vice-y things. Really, I mean, the best way to make sure you die in a Friday the 13th movie is to have sex with someone else’s significant other while smoking a joint and drinking. All at the same time. With the windows open and shouts of ‘Stupendous breasts!’ echoing through the forest. If that doesn’t get his attention, I don’t know what will. That being said, of course, that’s not the only way you’re gonna die. I mean, basically if you get in this dude’s way… you’re toast. Which brings me to my largest grievance of the remake. Yeees, we know, Jason has a soft spot for his murderous, decapitated, mother who’s head he keeps in a little shrine with her sweater and a bunch of candles he materialized out of tree bark and leaves, that’s shown in Part II, which I consider canon here. But, I still can’t see him keeping some chick chained in an old mine just cause she bears a striking resemblance to Pamela Voorhees. I mean, sure, I was annoyed initially that he was running about the woods swinging his machete like it’s going out of style. Surely, Jason doesn’t run! He walks about menacingly and busts through doors without bothering to check to see if they are locked or not. But then I recalled that he does, in fact, run. In Part II he’s downright nibble! He also wasn’t quite Jason yet, but we’ll leave that. It was only later in that franchise that he became a bit lumbering, so we’ll let that slide. What I can’t let slide, besides the prisoner taking, is the cleverness. Jason is not clever. I don’t think he’s capable of being clever, his mental capacity is really just not that high, given the fact that, as stated above, he is mentally handicapped! That is why he was teased, that is why he ‘drowned’ in the first place while the camp counselors weren’t paying attention and thus propelling his mother into killing the new crop. He doesn’t exactly have a plan here, in fact, I think probably the only reason he kills is because mom did. Because it’s just the thing to do. They say we learn from observation, after all. He’s not supposed to set traps, he’s not supposed to have a plan!

All that clever stuff should be reserved for Michael Myers. And what was something I hated about the remake of Halloween too. Now, note, I did not hate the remake of Halloween. It was entertaining in the way that only slasher flicks can be. The problem was that Rob Zombie felt the need to tells us why Michael Myers was like that. I don’t need to know. I’d rather just sit back and relish in a character that was not originally meant to be understood while he stalks through town killing people, why is completely unimportant. I don’t need to know that his mom was a stripper… which, well, let’s face facts she clearly wasn’t in the original, or that he tortured small animals and kids on the way home from school. I don’t need nor want to know that he was a completely fucked up individual with obvious antisocial personality disorder and probably a few other psychoses thrown in and rather think of him as Dr. Loomis described; evil personified. Isn’t that just more entertaining? I mean, nothing seems to drive him really other than an unyeilding desire to kill his family members, something they toyed with to confusion in the remake. And even then, we don’t particularly know why. Nor should we care.

The problem with both these franchise reboots is simple, though it’s taken me this whole essayish thing to figure it out. In both franchises there is really only one character that holds the whole thing together, and that character is the killer. Victims and heroines and heroes come and go with these things, the only consistent is a silent stalker who knifes up the first person to get in their way. But they are our silent stalkers who knife up the first person to get in their way. We’ve watched them through countless movies and gotten to know all their nuances, for better or worse. And in the new films they just didn’t quite… well, seem like themselves.

I will probably weigh in on Nightmare on Elm Street when the remake comes out, but I will say this; If they were going to replace Robert Englund, Jackie Earle Haley was the only choice.

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About Lindsay

I have a C'est Moi page, you should probably just read that.
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