The other day at work one of my co-workers said that someday I was going to run out of things to complain about. Like one day I’ll be mid-sentence and just stop and be silent for the rest of my life. She quickly assured me that it’s funny rather than annoying, but she had a point; I do complain an awful lot. But there are just so many things to complain about! And it’s not just things in my life… yes, it’s true there are a lot of things to complain about in my life, but there are also a lot of things to be glad about. Yes, it’s hard to think of them sometimes when other things are getting me down and that’s what the last blog was about. This is about the annoying bits. Not the life gets you down annoying bits, I mean the external stuff.
At the Job we have horrible songs and advertisements playing over a loudspeaker all day. And I mean ALL DAY, like even at 5am when the store won’t even be open for four more hours. There’s lots of Top 40 stuff, a lot of seventies, a lot of… theme song to ‘Chariots of Fire’. There’s actually a song by the Captain and Tennille. And the adverts, oh god the adverts. The woman’s voice makes her sound like a headband wearing, cardigan and polo sporting, Stepfordized smiling head with the most annoying voice known to mankind. Just her talking is enough to make me shudder but then recently they debuted this gem:
Lady: Hi honey, want to join me in a creative metal project?
Husband: Awesome! Yes I’ll join you in a heavy metal project. (cue cheesy guitar riff)
Lady: Duuuuuuude, I said creative metal not heavy metal. (This is where she explains that Creative Metal is a new crafting technique and blah blah blah shoot me now…)
Husband: Rock on, that sounds fun too.
Really? Really does that sound fun at all? Cause if I was looking forward to some heavy metal I certainly wouldn’t be pacified by rolling a crappy patterned roller over some cheap aluminum. And FYI Creative Metal is boring as sheet. Certainly not as good as rocking out. I’d settle for slow jazz.
My hatred of this advertisement has apparently reached such epic proportions at work that everyone knows about it. Someone wrote ‘Anyone wanna join me in a heavy metal project?’ on the white board in the break room (we still don’t know who it is) and everyone assumed it was me. I wish it had been, cause yes I HATE that commercial, but at the same time… it’s hilarious.
You know what’s not hilarious? Apple products. Yes, I have an iPod, and yes there are lots of things I like about it. I like the way things are organized. I like the way I’m used to how it works. I don’t like the way it decides to go into ‘diagnostic mode’ and run unnecessary tests on all the programs before allowing me to access my music. I don’t like the way it freezes up and, again, refuses to allow me to listen to my music, and I don’t like the way it suddenly cuts off my music in the middle of a song and refuses to turn back on without plugging it in while simultaneously pressing the power button for ten seconds. I don’t like the way I take it to the ‘Genius Bar’ and they tell me all that stuff is “perfectly normal”. Fuck you Steve Jobs. Seriously, if you need that much crap on your phone… why are you even reading this. The day I get anywhere near an iPhone will be a very cold day in hell. http://www.who-sucks.com/tech/15-reasons-why-apples-iphone-sucks
I hate Cleveland roads. I’d like to say that I hate Cleveland Heights roads, but I am afraid it’s the whole city. Yes, I get the fact that I am used to Columbus roads, and yes I get the fact that snow and salt wear away at the pavement until potholes are hardly surprising. I get the fact that it takes money to fill them, money that the city surely does not have. And I get that maybe I should learn how to drive around them a little better. But I have had two flat tires since I moved back here just over a year ago. Two new tires in one year. Really? That just sucks, especially when you work at an unnamed Craft Supply store that has unstable hours and pays minimum wage. Pretty much… that’s a whole paycheck.
I hate how people never watch good shows so that they end up being canceled. I hate how truly awful ones stay on forever.
Really, there’s a lot to hate.
But, quite plainly… I love to hate things. This is the reason I read books I don’t particularly like and watch televisions shows that make my eyes roll.
The biggest example of this right now is obviously Twilight. I read Twilight originally for two reasons 1) because I don’t particularly like being out of the loop when it comes to cultural phenomenons, and 2) because you can’t make fun of what you’ve never read.
I started reading the first book before I moved from Columbus to Cleveland because I was curious. I realized, as I was purchasing it at Wal-Mart and shoving it to the bottom of my cart so that I could possibly get through the self checkout before anyone could see I was buying this thing, that this wasn’t going to be something I was going to read in public. I was 26 at the time, and probably should have had something better to do with my time than read a book geared towards preteens and lonely 40-something housewives. Of course I didn’t. So I diligently started reading, assuming I’d finish it in several days and be back to Wal-Mart for the next installment of frothy vampire delight. Uh, no. It took me months to read this tripe. Later in the summer I was only about one fourth through when I took it to the beach on an excursion with K and settled in to force myself to finish. It took her about an hour of me groaning for her to ask me what the hell I was reading. My response was something like this; ‘This pathetically overwrought high school vampire drama with way too much angst and absolutely no comic relief.’ I mean, I get that Buffy the Vampire Slayer had its fair share of angst, but it also had whole characters devoted to making us laugh. She didn’t ask any more questions.
But then of course it got at least a little exciting and I sped through the last final pages, the first two hundred and whatever already forgotten. I ran out to grab New Moon, opened it up right away, and discovered that it started out just as hideously boring as the first one. And then proceeded to deliver ONE HUNDRED pages of the heroine being so depressed that she can not even move. I wanted to die. Actually, I can’t even believe I didn’t throw it out the window and stuck around for it to get relatively exciting again two hundred pages later. Same dos for Eclipse. Breaking Dawn just took me a year to read because I couldn’t stand the thought of going back to read more of it… in the end it just seemed completely pointless.
Now, I suppose I can understand how someone could get attached to this sort of story. When I was younger, maybe… middle school… the idea of enduring love might’ve been attractive. Being protected might’ve been attractive. The supernatural complications would have definitely been attractive. So, I am unsure as to whether or not I am simply too old to glaze over the inherent creepiness of Edward Cullen or too well read to be able to deal with such poorly written prose, but I can not stand these books. And yet I love them. Really, there has to be at least a small element of love in something I take some much time making fun of. Or at least amusement. We’ll go with amusement. But what I really hate is the perpetuating of an antiquated view that women should be taken care of, almost against their will, that they should be controlled and watched out for and that their lives don’t matter. I hate the fact that there will be girls out there who think this is what they should want. If that’s not eye rollingly (there’s a Meyerism for you, right there) awful, then I don’t know what is.
In conclusion… well, maybe there isn’t a conclusion today. Maybe I just hate those too.